Since I seem to be experiencing many new seasons in my life at this time, I decided to turn a new page. I am currently taking a course entitled Uninstalling Procrastination (an online course by Shelby-LittleCoffeeFox). I have been very interested in her story describing how she was able to turn around her life goals and experiences by studying and successfully diminishing the role of procrastination in her life. I was particularly struck by Shelby suggesting that putting things off only creates constant feelings of impending doom for us and increases our stress and anxiety about tasks that are expected to be accomplished by a certain date. I have always been a person who demonstrates great spurts of working effectively and efficiently on tasks and projects, for a specified period of time. However, I have been known to justify procrastinating on certain “not-so-loved” tasks to the point of increasing my stress levels and ending up ultimately completing the tasks under immense deadline pressures. Shelby’s course is very worthwhile and I discovered that I am not too old to change my habits. After completing Module I of the course, I woke up this morning and accomplished four necessary errand/tasks prior to 11:00 a.m. I rewarded myself with a trip to an antique store open house, followed by attending to two bill challenges I needed to take care of immediately. A productive, successful day spurred on by Shelby’s course. Thank you, Shelby. I am eager to learn more!
Category: 2017
International Widow’s Day
I have always had an aversion to the word “widow” based on my previous experiences-associated with “the black widow” or other evil, poisonous associations. But, today, I was taken by an article suddenly appearing for my viewing from CNN, regarding stories expressed today by various “widows” throughout the world, regarding what it means to experience this sudden or forced entrance into the world of “widowry”.
I never had any desire of any sort to be a member of this group. I empathized frequently with friends, neighbors, etc. who were suddenly thrown into this distant group. But, I had never envisioned myself as an actual member.
I read the stories today with great interest. Though each of these ladies’ circumstances were so very different from mine, I did engage in a certain camaraderie with this group of women, who had never planned on partaking of this adventure, and had never envisioned life without their spouses (in my case, the absence of my best friend and partner of my soul).
I was blessed with six months to prepare for Billy’s death, though the unknown of the details of the arrival of “death” throughout those months, resulted in mental anguish and much turmoil, inhibiting our supposed preparation for that dreaded event.
In reading each of the stories of these “hero women” in this article, I realized the blessings of family in my situation, occurring in stark contrast to many of the painful, judgmental experiences of these women within their own cultures across the world. Some of these women experienced cruelty, rejection, and/or humiliation from family members, as a result of becoming a widow. This circumstance appears unimaginable in our culture, but it was a recurrent theme within the stories of the other women throughout the world. Unfortunately, many of us shared the themes of death and cancer in common. But, the reactions of cultural bias painted the darkest contrast in our situations.
I am thankful, that in my situation, I was graced with the enveloping of love from extended family members throughout our difficult journey of illness, comforting me still. However, this article has made me realize the importance and relevance of our reaching out to expand, understand, and assist women throughout the world, regardless of their circumstance, to successfully survive the frightening phenomenon of suddenly being a “widow”.
Therefore, I am attempting to change my perspective on being considered a part of this “widow” group. I find myself, now, being quite proud to join their ranks, being able to say “I was Loved so deeply” by my spouse and my family, and I am now aware of the circumstances of cultural change within the concept of “widow”, that all of us need to address in the future.
Why Didn’t I Know?
For months, you knew you were dying
Why didn’t I know?
For weeks, we were told “eventually, this cancer will kill you”, “You will die from this cancer”.
You wanted to fight for “the more”
You knew you were dying.
Why didn’t I know?
“Eventually” gave me hope, always——-“not yet”
For weeks, I gathered my hope dreams and clung to every word the doctors and nurses said, that suggested in any minute way that you were getting better-“improving”- another flash of hope in my mind
I heard that word rarely-just a word heard one day, and the next day-
GONE
You knew you were dying.
Why didn’t I know?
For days, your sweet, thoughtful words became fewer. I wanted to keep talking, keep living, keep ignoring the approaching storm. Stupid questions rattled you: “How are you feeling today?” “What hurts?” “What’s wrong?” Pushing you-pushing you-urging you to rally
That elusive hope of fixing things again, kept returning for me
Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. Hope.
Let’s go back:
- to porch sitting under yellow glow
- rock waterfall sounds with silent koi weaving
- long political banter (please, no, but I yearn for experiencing that again with you now)
- waltzing with you to the sweet accordion melody in the Presidential gardens of Spain
- listening to your glorious Spanish float off of your tongue
- loving your deep kisses and daily greetings
- laughing with you as we conversed with our many pets
- loving you forever and always.
You knew you were dying.
Why didn’t I know?
For one week, you played and made faces with grandson, Bennett, sitting with you on your bed. He smiled and laughed with you. Bennett was your hope, your goal – being Bennett’s “Au-dad” was everything you always wanted in this life
That day, Hope filled my air Then-encouraging words from doctor
“no evidence of cancer spreading”
One day
Wednesday
You knew you were dying.
Why didn’t I know?
Thursday, you stopped communicating with us, your eyes lost and hazy
Where did you go?
We waited for hope words from your doctor
In the hallway, I get “He’s dying. I can’t fix him.”
I react. How can that be?
Yesterday, so encouraging. Did you do a new test?
How do you know?
“He’s dying”
You knew you were dying.
Why didn’t I know?
Friday, you slowly departed further from us.
We waited; we questioned; we reacted; we soothed each other-loving family
No greater love from a family-for you
You knew you were dying.
Why didn’t I know?
What difference would it have made had I known? We would have lived our “more” – loved more deeply.
More love, more family times, more talks, more moonlit walks, more dailies, more travelling, more love, more forever.
You knew you were dying.
Why didn’t I know?
Friday, your 6-month journey with us ended, with your beloved family surrounding you
You fought; you loved; you rallied
You did all of this for Bennett and family and all of the “more”
We loved you deeply and we love you still
You knew you were dying.
Why didn’t I know?
Terry Grosvenor June 22, 2017
LIFE CHANGES IN BUT, A MOMENT
37 years
37 abundant moments
37 pauses and reflections of enduring love
37 enriched memories-two, as one
EVERGREEN
Enlightened
Discussions of wisdom and truth
Togetherness
Boys pure and delightful; creations of wonder
Family; four together; never to be separated
Always one for all and all for one
Love conquers all
Love endures
Love seemingly gone in a flash, but etched in our minds and hearts forever.
Love eternal
Terry Grosvenor May 15, 2017
Sitting By My Love
My love,
No longer adorned with gentle, green bells ringing in the arrival of brandy-cherry roses, draped merrily in tiers of fern, amidst vibrant orange lillies, trumpeting the soul’s rising.
The soft peace of fragrant white roses now masked by raked-over soil and muted grass, too fast his beauty erased.
No color
Silence
Only the swirling breeze returns the memory of his touch to my tear-worn face.
Faint Spanish guitar dances beside me, as
I lay a small bouquet of daisies sent from a long-ago friend,
On the yellowed grass
While repeating words of love to him, as
The last lovely guitar chord is strummed,
Visions of floating waltzes drift off in the distance.
Terry Grosvenor May 2, 2017
Missing Billy
Sorrow enfolds me
Weaving within and around my heart
Encapsulating my soul
In Silence
Terry Grosvenor April 14, 2017
Watercolor World
What do you do on a depressing day, when everything appears dark and gloomy? Answer: Watercolor Away. Today, I had a little time to play around with my Kuretaki Japanese watercolors, resulting in 12 “Thank you” cards to begin my 2017 365 Cards Project. I experimented with several interesting techniques, which I plan to use again in the future. Maybe it is not too late to get some of my delinquent sentiments mailed to friends and family, who have helped us through some very difficult times. Once again, the cards are much prettier in “real time”. Watercoloring definitely perked me up a bit.
For the Love of Golf
Granddad, Brett, Bennett, Leanna & Granty K enjoying the Brookhaven Driving Range
Our World
A Glass Wonder
Our trip to Dallas for a second opinion at UT Southwestern began with a view of this beautiful Chihuly Glass Sculpture in the center of the clinic’s foyer. The sculpture displays rich color and gorgeous glass detail. A moment of pleasure during our visit.
Child of the Rock Garden 